The Wait

I am not sure what all is going to come out in this post. As I have been spending this afternoon on a "date" with the Lord, I inevitably find myself at a point where junk is being exposed and I am in a state of needing to process deeply.

So here I am, and for the first time I am going to share "on paper" where I am emotionally with this struggle of the waiting game.

As I even begin to type the dreaded word my eyes are spilling over with tears... infertility... it is worse than a curse word in my mind. It stirs more emotion than I care to express and I feel as though to speak it out loud is equivalent to saying "Voldemort" (for my HP fans).. it holds so much fear behind it and it somehow feels like speaking it will give it more power.

The Medical Dictionary defines infertility as this:

Incapable of or unsuccessful in achieving pregnancy over a considerable period of time (as a year) in spite of determined attempts by heterosexual intercourse without contraception.

So is 17 months a considerable period of time? Now I will say that I do not call myself infertile, nor do I believe I ever will. God is capable of opening the womb at any moment and scripture is OVERFLOWING with examples of this. Now whether this is His will for me... this is where I wait.

I often wonder when I hear a thought or feel a prompting as to whether it is the Lord, or if it is "just me" thinking it. I have over the last few months been praying this verse back to the Lord:

"After he has gathered his own flock, he walks ahead of them, and they follow him because they know his voice." John 10:4

"God you're Word says that your sheep know your voice.. let me know when it is you speaking to me."

So 2 months ago, as I lay in bed weeping, the Lord answered this prayer. Danny and I had just been intimate and as he was drifting to sleep I was silently weeping and beseeching the Lord... asking Him to "please let this be it! Let this be the time that leads to a new life"... weeping I prayed over my abdomen- that those spermies would make it (sorry if TMI, but I'm going to bear it all). As I sobbed, praying and drifting to sleep I was overcome with the peace of God that transcends all understanding (Phil 4:7) and this reference come into my mind...

Jeremiah 29:12..

But here is the thing, I don't have Jeremiah 29:12 memorized. I was like "wait Lord, I know Jeremiah 29:11- (the often quoted verse about God having a plan for our future)-- but I KNEW the Lord was not speaking verse 11 to me, it was 12....

I cannot explain other than I knew that God had spoken to me, and until I got up and read it I wouldn't know "what" He had spoken, but I had complete peace that it was good, and I fell asleep comforted.

The next day as I thought about the night before I eagerly ran to see what does vs 12 say? (Maybe there is like some part of Jeremiah that I don't remember reading and it just happens to be about being able to conceive and it will say "Thou will conceive this month!!??)-- Okay this thought may or may not have entered my mind-- haha, SURPRISINGLY that is not what I found ;) but what I did find was incredibly better than what I could have imagined...

"In those days when you pray, I will listen."

As I lay weeping and praying the GOD of the UNIVERSE said to me, "I am listening".

I am awed by His love.

So you would think that I would like TOTALLY cling to this truth and it would just carry me through as I continue on this journey of waiting... yet I continue to forget it so easily and find myself often lingering at the door of despair.

Which brings me to this morning.

Yesterday brought wonderful - gut wrenching news. Another friend is pregnant.

I hate that I cannot just type the words "wonderful news" and that be the end of it. I hate that it is so painful.

What makes it harder (and again, it disgusts me that this is how I feel) is that it is a friend who has been walking through "the wait" with me.

In the last 6 weeks the two friends whom have "been on this journey with me" -- one we started trying to conceive the same month, the other just a couple of months after us-- have both become pregnant.... and I want to emphasize here that I am OVERJOYED for them, it is just so hard.

I feel very alone today. Let me preface that I know I am hardly alone, I have never been more aware of how many women struggle with this until this year... it is just that out of the women closest to me... I am now alone. Both of my sisters have had children, both of my step-sisters have had children (well one is "on the way"), and now... both the women I walked through the wait with are now pregnant ... and as it is with ANY struggle-- it is easy to see where others are getting the thing you want most and you are having to wait for it, and I realize this is not necessarily reality.

So where am I at with the Lord?

I have come before Him today, confessing sin, seeking His face, opening His Word and bearing all to Him.

He wonderfully and gently reminds me of His love, His power, and His plan.

I was reminded this morning of Jeremiah 29:12-- but what did it say? I opened my Bible to reread it...

"In those days when you pray, I will listen."

What "days" is it talking about? "In those days"??...

Israel is in captivity, exiled to Babylon... a season of wondering "is God really going to fulfill His promise that a descendent of David would always rule as King in Jerusalem?"

A little excerpt in my Bible says this about Jeremiah 29:11-13: (I've bolded what stands out to me)

"In this day of modern conveniences, we quickly grow weary praying for personal or societal circumstances. But God's people have always waited on Him (Job 24:1; Psalm 38:15; Romans 8:19). Modern Christians sometimes feel hopeless and abandoned- like the Judeans in captivity- but we can trust that God's plan, while taking an achingly long time to come to pass, is certain to succeed. As one of God's prophets said, " This vision is for a future time, It describes the end, and it will be fulfilled. If it seems slow in coming, wait patiently, for it will surely take place. It will not be delayed. (Habakkuk 2:3)

I am not promised a child, but I am promised a future that is good, and full of hope. So today I am choosing to base my reality on the truth of God's Word, and not the way I feel-- please pray for me that this will be true of me tomorrow, and the next day, and the next...

Next step of faith... I am getting ready to call my OBGYN and set up my first "fertility" appointment. I am thankful for your prayers.

Hoping,

Nicole