Take 10 minutes and read this. It is worth it.
I am not writing today to try to sum up the greatness of God, or to try to persuade anyone to think He is good, it actually doesn’t matter what you or I think, God is good regardless. He is God. That is what I want to talk about today.
A few weeks ago I was praying and had felt conviction about how I view each day. In a nutshell I am a planner. I plan out EVERY day in my mind, what I want to accomplish; where we’ll go, what we’ll do, how long I will do each thing, how I want to feel throughout the day. This I know is ridiculous. And I was convicted that “these are not my days, they are God’s days”. At the time I think I prayed something like “God I am sorry I make everyday about myself, help me to live my days for You and do what You want me to do with them.”
Without much thought after that I continued on my way - getting my needs met my way (the flesh).
So side note- a year ago, when Danny and I were accepted to staff with Campus Crusade for Christ, I had a “meeting” over the phone, with a woman named Diane, whom, after reading my application suggested I read a book about my identity in Christ. My discipler at the time Elizabeth McKinney suggested Lifetime Guarantee by Bill Gillham. So for whatever reason (I am not sure yet) that I struggle with following through on things that I really want to follow through on, but I guess I am afraid too… I have only read the first chapter of that book… 3x mind you, but never gotten past it. I think because the 2nd chapter begins by saying “Caution: make it your major purpose as you read this chapter to learn from the Holy Spirit what happened to you as a child.”(Gillham, 34). Whoa! Okay now moving on.
All of that to say that I was convicted about spending my days “for myself” and not “letting God live His days through me”, THEN I immediately went on and continued to get my needs met MY WAY- which I am learning IS THE FLESH. (Gillham chapter 1). So you know we read about the flesh throughout Scripture, and if you grew up in Christian circles you can probably quote those scriptures and nod your head when a preacher preaches about the flesh, but do you REALLY KNOW WHAT IT IS? Because I DIDN’T… I didn’t realize when I said that prayer a month ago, asking God to “help me live my days “for him”…” that he really would answer, and show me. God is good.
So #1 God answered through this book, Lifetime Guarantee by Bill Gillham. He is showing me what the flesh is “flesh refers to the old ways or patterns by which you have attempted to get all your needs supplied instead of seeking Christ first and trusting Him to meet your needs”… “how you have programmed your brain with earthly techniques for satisfying your needs for love and self esteem- again the greatest needs in life” (Gillham, 35).
So instead of what my usual actions are when I feel conviction- to try and “do better”--I am seeing these patterns, and habits throughout my day and (which have been built my whole life) that are my attempt to get my needs met, and instead going to God for those needs.
Here is an example. For my mom’s birthday Danny and I surprised her by scraping off the wall paper in her kitchen and painting it (a project she has been wanting to finish for awhile). When she got home and saw it- MY FLESH NEEDED TO KNOW that I had succeeded… I wanted to KNOW that it had met her every desire, that the color was perfect, and that she was going to enjoy it, because I NEEDED to fulfill that need in me for love and self esteem. My self esteem needed to be boosted and so I set out to accomplish that.. “Mom, what do you think? Is it perfect? What are you feeling right now? What was your first thought when you saw it? Do you just love it? “… Now see “questions” are a part of me (or were! Amen!), Danny can tell you that I will ask 100 questions after I do anything… because you see, my questions are my flesh pattern (one of them). They are an earthly technique I have created for getting my needs met. When they are answered, I am assured that I am “good enough”, I am “loved”, I am “appreciated”. Now I know what to confess, Lord, I confess my questions, and instead will choose to keep silent, and trust You for my self worth” Amen. And how much sweeter it is, when you don’t have to rely on the answers of other SINFUL humans in order to maintain your self esteem. I can rest in my identity in my Savior instead. But as Paul said in Philippians 3:3-4 “…for we… put no confidence in the flesh, although I myself might have confidence even in the flesh. If anyone else has a mind to put confidence in the flesh, I far more.” In no means do I claim any of this as coming from myself, or my growth, but all God’s grace as He reveals His truth to me. Praise God for His goodness, all that is good in me is Christ. I know who I am apart from Christ, I am a selfish, tantrum thrower, who thinks her world is crumbling if something doesn’t go her way. Anything different that you see in me, is HIM.
“… I far more”. Take heart my dearest’s for Christ said "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33
I will share more about how God has specifically been showing me His goodness later. I am in awe of Him.
Nicole
