There are three things that are never satisfied—
no, four that never say, “Enough!”:
the grave,
the barren womb,
the thirsty desert,
the blazing fire.
Proverbs 30:15b-16.
Do you mean to tell me, that our God saw fit to put in His Word, that barrenness is never satisfied? My God understands this ache, this longing, .....(desperate at times!!)... for something I've never tasted before. How can I crave so badly something I've never experienced? It doesn't make sense! Think about it! I did not crave Sonic's Vanilla Diet Coke with extra vanilla, before I ever tasted one!! .. but God being SO COMPASSIONATE put this verse in there, to comfort us-- (those who struggle with the 'I' word).
And some of you out there may think "Is that really comforting?... Knowing you'll never be satisfied?" .. and the truth is, I don't need some one (or something) to tell me I won't ever be satisfied with this fate, I ALREADY am well aware of that... what it does say to me, is my God understands my plight.
So where does that leave me?
Here are 3 things the Lord is teaching me in this season.
1. Contentedness does not mean being Desire-less.
I am realizing that many of us believe that if we have great desires for our life it means we are not content with our current life situation. That is just simply... crap (sorry for lack of a better term). Why on earth would God say in Psalm 37:4 "Delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart."... if having desires for something were sin? Contentedness to me, means this... I find my joy in the Lord, my happiness and worth in this temporary life are not dependent upon the fulfillment of my desire (children)... which free's me to be able to run to Him and say "Abba, Father (Daddy!) I want a baby!! ...with no worries that I am sinning in my request. (Oh and it helps to know that He wrote {see above} that a barren womb is never satisfied- He knows I want to run to Him with this request).
2. Faith is not what I thought it was.
"If we are not careful, we will never have had faith in God at all, we will only have had faith in what He could give us. (Beth Moore,- re-quoted from a friend)
Scary isn't it. From the very beginning (of Danny and I starting to try to conceive - March 2010), I realized that I do not understand faith. I read ALL over scripture evidences of people "believing" or "having faith" and then God moving in their circumstance. So I would ask myself, "Is God's sovereignty dependent upon my level of faith"? Will I really go to heaven only to hear the words... "You were almost there! If only you had had a tad more faith, I would have given you a baby."? The answer is no. It is not via my works, my good deeds (i.e. my "good enough faith" that gets me anything)... and to think so, or to try so- is to attempt to manipulate God (to give me what I want)... rather than trusting that His plan for me is good and for His glory (Philippians 1:6, Jeremiah 29:11-12).
So the Lord said to me. "These people did not trust that I would give them what they wanted, they just had faith in Me, regardless of the outcome. Read this and tell me that isn't true...
Then Nebuchadnezzar flew into a rage and ordered that Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego be brought before him. When they were brought in, Nebuchadnezzar said to them, “Is it true, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, that you refuse to serve my gods or to worship the gold statue I have set up? I will give you one more chance to bow down and worship the statue I have made when you hear the sound of the musical instruments. But if you refuse, you will be thrown immediately into the blazing furnace. And then what god will be able to rescue you from my power?”
Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego replied, “O Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God whom we serve is able to save us. He will rescue us from your power, Your Majesty. But even if he doesn’t, we want to make it clear to you, Your Majesty, that we will never serve your gods or worship the gold statue you have set up.”
Daniel 3:13-18
I believe my God is good, and true... just like they did. So we say boldy "The God who we serve is able to save me, and make me able to conceive. He will give us a baby. But even if He doesn't, we will still serve, love and follow Him."
3. The Greater Reward is Him.
So for the 2nd time in the last few weeks God has brought a friend to me, bringing the Scripture that speaks exactly what the Holy Spirit has been placing on my heart. (This thanks goes out to Annie Z whom while in India prays for me and the Holy Spirit put this on her heart to share with me... The same week that the Holy Spirit had prompted me to think about this.
Okay so here it is. God basically said to me (not verbally, but you know... to my heart)...
"If you could chose to be given exactly what you are longing for (pregnancy) right now, and forego the blessing and treasures, secret riches that I have hidden for you in this dark time... (Isaiah 45:3 "And I will give you treasures hidden in the darkness— secret riches. I will do this so you may know that I am the Lord, the God of Israel, the one who calls you by name." ) OR continue to walk through this season knowing I have purpose and blessing in it BUT you don't get to know the outcome, which would you chose?... My love for you stays the same no matter which choice you make.
So which would I chose...? Which would you choose? Seriously.. insert the thing in which you desire most here and what would you chose? To be honest somedays I say "screw the blessing, I can't handle one more friend calling and telling me they're pregnant" and other days, I know deep down I want the latter- I want more of Him.
Which leads me to an email from my beloved friend Annie, it said this....
"I don't know whether this will be encouraging to you, really, but it's truth and it spoke to me today. My friend shared in our morning office devotions from Exodus33:1-3 and 12-18. God tells Moses that he will give the Israelites everything they want, the promised land, and all their enemies will be defeated, but that He will not go with them. But Moses says, "No, God- If you're not coming, I don't want to go." (paraphrase!). And so we were reflecting on what we would take if God offered, even if he said he wasn't going to come with us. These are our idols. Then, when I was praying for you after that during our 'stillness time'-- I found myself praying for you to conceive, but that if you don't conceive this month, at least give you something of himself to comfort you. And I realized that was exactly what Moses didn't want. He didn't want the blessing, itself, but God, himself. He didn't want the thing for which he'd been praying, he wanted to know God and God to know him. And in the end, God agrees to go with them to the Promised Land and tells Moses, "I will do the very thing you have asked, because I am pleased with you and I know you by name". So, I was praying that even through your attempts to get pregnant, you would value God, himself, even more than you value having a baby in your womb....easier said than done, i think."
.. and it is true. I do want the Greater Reward, to know Him and treasure Him above all.
So thankful for all of the beloved people and prayer warriors God has blessed me with during this season. Thank you for all you do, and how you love me and carry this burden with me.
Nic
Update on the details:
Diagnosed with Endometriosis (Only Stage 1 -Praise!!)
October Progesterone Level Drawn on CD 23= 5.2 (this meant I am not ovulating)
1st round Clomid (50mg) CD's 3-7
November Progesterone Level Drawn TODAY CD 21= 18.5 (This is GOOD indicates ovulation)- Hopeful and Praying... now we wait.
Sorry if you don't understand the lingo.
