The Natural Way?

Hey everyone I wanted to update you all, I don't have a lot of time and so it will not be as detailed as my normal entries, but here is the latest:

As you can read in my previous post, we found out in October that I am apparently not ovulating, thus I started Clomid. My last entry was written during our TWW (two week wait) of that cycle (the two weeks of waiting to find out if we're pregnant after ovulation). On November 11 we had a positive HPT (home pregnancy test)-- first one EVER-- the test line was very faint, so we were still unsure- my doctor ordered a blood test to confirm, and we found out later that day that we were both pregnant and miscarrying. It was terribly sad. The next several weeks held a lot of emotional processing for the both of us. The Lord was very near.

Prior to the miscarriage I had begun to think and wonder if there were alternative methods to helping my body do what it "should" be doing naturally on it's own, rather than forcing it (through Clomid). After the miscarriage I felt even more confirmed. People would say things to me like "This is a good thing, it shows that you can get pregnant!" But to me, all it showed was that we had sperm and eggs that worked, but not a uterus that would or could carry a pregnancy (they think my embryo never implanted into the uterus). So all the more I began to ask the Lord "if there is something I can be doing naturally, whether a change in diet or otherwise to help my body do this on its own, will you lead me to it". A few weeks later I received the book "The Infertility Cure: The Ancient Chinese Wellness Program for Getting Pregnant and Having Healthy Babies" from a dear friend. I am not going to lie, at first I took one look at it and threw it onto my bookshelf. I was skeptical. Over Christmas break I decided to take it with me and begin reading it... 1 page in and I couldn't put it down. I am not going to go into huge detail here, but what this book talked about made sense, and as Danny and I talked about it, we could not come up with one reason not to try it. I am 26 years old, I am healthy, my body should be doing this on its own, and it's not... and maybe, just maybe we can help it along. Per my OB the next step for us is seeing a fertility specialist, and the beginning of (what I consider) a grueling process of drugs, pokes, prodding, $$$, etc... Why not try this first? It is definitely cheaper, natural and we don't have to drive 3 hours to do any of it (Did I mention that there are NO fertility specialists in Springfield, MO-- you have to go to St. Louis or KC-grrrrrrreat...)

So that's what we're doing, I am taking a break from Clomid and other med's for now-- I am seeing an acupuncturist, taking herbs, changing my diet --all the while learning what it means to trust Jesus (not trust Him to give us what we want-- but just trust Him regardless), and hoping.

Keep praying for us.

God & Gyno's

 There are three things that are never satisfied—

      no, four that never say, “Enough!”: 

the grave,

 the barren womb,

the thirsty desert,

the blazing fire.

Proverbs 30:15b-16.

Do you mean to tell me, that our God saw fit to put in His Word, that barrenness is never satisfied? My God understands this ache, this longing, .....(desperate at times!!)... for something I've never tasted before. How can I crave so badly something I've never experienced? It doesn't make sense! Think about it! I did not crave Sonic's Vanilla Diet Coke with extra vanilla, before I ever tasted one!! .. but God being SO COMPASSIONATE put this verse in there, to comfort us-- (those who struggle with the 'I' word).

And some of you out there may think "Is that really comforting?... Knowing you'll never be satisfied?" .. and the truth is, I don't need some one (or something) to tell me I won't ever be satisfied with this fate, I ALREADY am well aware of that... what it does say to me, is my God understands my plight. 

So where does that leave me? 

Here are 3 things the Lord is teaching me in this season.

1. Contentedness does not mean being Desire-less. 

      

     I am realizing that many of us believe that if we have great desires for our life  it means we are not content with our current life situation. That is just simply... crap (sorry for lack of a better term). Why on earth would God say in Psalm 37:4 "Delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart."... if having desires for something were sin? Contentedness to me, means this... I find my joy in the Lord, my happiness and worth in this temporary  life are not dependent upon the fulfillment of my desire (children)... which free's me to be able to run to Him and say "Abba, Father (Daddy!) I want a baby!! ...with no worries that I am sinning in my request. (Oh and it helps to know that He wrote {see above} that a barren womb is never satisfied- He knows I want to run to Him with this request).

2. Faith is not what I thought it was.

    "If we are not careful, we will never have had faith in God at all, we will only have had faith in what He could give us. (Beth Moore,- re-quoted from a friend)

Scary isn't it. From the very beginning (of Danny and I starting to try to conceive - March 2010), I realized that I do not understand faith. I read ALL over scripture evidences of people "believing" or "having faith" and then God moving in their circumstance. So I would ask myself, "Is God's sovereignty dependent upon my level of faith"? Will I really go to heaven only to hear the words... "You were almost there! If only you had had a tad more faith, I would have given you a baby."? The answer is no. It is not via my works, my good deeds (i.e. my "good enough faith" that gets me anything)... and to think so, or to try so- is to attempt to manipulate God (to give me what I want)... rather than trusting that His plan for me is good and for His glory (Philippians 1:6, Jeremiah 29:11-12).

So the Lord said to me. "These people did not trust that I would give them what they wanted, they just had faith in Me, regardless of the outcome. Read this and tell me that isn't true...

Then Nebuchadnezzar flew into a rage and ordered that Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego be brought before him. When they were brought in, Nebuchadnezzar said to them, “Is it true, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, that you refuse to serve my gods or to worship the gold statue I have set up? I will give you one more chance to bow down and worship the statue I have made when you hear the sound of the musical instruments. But if you refuse, you will be thrown immediately into the blazing furnace. And then what god will be able to rescue you from my power?”

 Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego replied, “O Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you.  If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God whom we serve is able to save us. He will rescue us from your power, Your Majesty. But even if he doesn’t, we want to make it clear to you, Your Majesty, that we will never serve your gods or worship the gold statue you have set up.”

Daniel 3:13-18

I believe my God is good, and true... just like they did. So we say boldy "The God who we serve is able to save me, and make me able to conceive. He will give us a baby. But even if He doesn't, we will still serve, love and follow Him."

3. The Greater Reward is Him.

     So for the 2nd time in the last few weeks God has brought a friend to me, bringing the Scripture that speaks exactly what the Holy Spirit has been placing on my heart. (This thanks goes out to Annie Z whom while in India prays for me and the Holy Spirit put this on her heart to share with me... The same week that the Holy Spirit had prompted me to think about this.

Okay so here it is. God basically said to me (not verbally, but you know... to my heart)... 

"If you could chose to be given exactly what you are longing for (pregnancy) right now, and forego the blessing and treasures, secret riches that I have hidden for you in this dark time... (Isaiah 45:3 "And I will give you treasures hidden in the darkness— secret riches. I will do this so you may know that I am the Lord, the God of Israel, the one who calls you by name." ) OR continue to walk through this season knowing I have purpose and blessing in it BUT you don't get to know the outcome, which would you chose?... My love for you stays the same no matter which choice you make.

So which would I chose...? Which would you choose? Seriously.. insert the thing in which you desire most here and what would you chose? To be honest somedays I say "screw the blessing, I can't handle one more friend calling and telling me they're pregnant" and other days, I know deep down I want the latter- I want more of Him.

Which leads me to an email from my beloved friend Annie, it said this....

"I don't know whether this will be encouraging to you, really, but it's truth and it spoke to me today.  My friend shared in our morning office devotions from Exodus33:1-3 and 12-18.  God tells Moses that he will give the Israelites everything they want, the promised land, and all their enemies will be defeated, but that He will not go with them.  But Moses says, "No, God- If you're not coming, I don't want to go." (paraphrase!).  And so we were reflecting on what we would take if God offered, even if he said he wasn't going to come with us.  These are our idols.  Then, when I was praying for you after that during our 'stillness time'-- I found myself praying for you to conceive, but that if you don't conceive this month, at least give you something of himself to comfort you. And I realized that was exactly what Moses didn't want.  He didn't want the blessing, itself, but God, himself.  He didn't want the thing for which he'd been praying, he wanted to know God and God to know him.  And in the end, God agrees to go with them to the Promised Land and tells Moses, "I will do the very thing you have asked, because I am pleased with you and I know you by name".  So, I was praying that even through your attempts to get pregnant, you would value God, himself, even more than you value having a baby in your womb....easier said than done, i think."

.. and it is true. I do want the Greater Reward, to know Him and treasure Him above all. 

So thankful for all of the beloved people and prayer warriors God has blessed me with during this season. Thank you for all you do, and how you love me and carry this burden with me.

Nic

Update on the details:


Diagnosed with Endometriosis (Only Stage 1 -Praise!!)
October Progesterone Level Drawn on CD 23= 5.2 (this meant I am not ovulating)
1st round Clomid (50mg) CD's 3-7 
November Progesterone Level Drawn TODAY CD 21= 18.5 (This is GOOD indicates ovulation)- Hopeful and Praying... now we wait.


Sorry if you don't understand the lingo.

The Wait

I am not sure what all is going to come out in this post. As I have been spending this afternoon on a "date" with the Lord, I inevitably find myself at a point where junk is being exposed and I am in a state of needing to process deeply.

So here I am, and for the first time I am going to share "on paper" where I am emotionally with this struggle of the waiting game.

As I even begin to type the dreaded word my eyes are spilling over with tears... infertility... it is worse than a curse word in my mind. It stirs more emotion than I care to express and I feel as though to speak it out loud is equivalent to saying "Voldemort" (for my HP fans).. it holds so much fear behind it and it somehow feels like speaking it will give it more power.

The Medical Dictionary defines infertility as this:

Incapable of or unsuccessful in achieving pregnancy over a considerable period of time (as a year) in spite of determined attempts by heterosexual intercourse without contraception.

So is 17 months a considerable period of time? Now I will say that I do not call myself infertile, nor do I believe I ever will. God is capable of opening the womb at any moment and scripture is OVERFLOWING with examples of this. Now whether this is His will for me... this is where I wait.

I often wonder when I hear a thought or feel a prompting as to whether it is the Lord, or if it is "just me" thinking it. I have over the last few months been praying this verse back to the Lord:

"After he has gathered his own flock, he walks ahead of them, and they follow him because they know his voice." John 10:4

"God you're Word says that your sheep know your voice.. let me know when it is you speaking to me."

So 2 months ago, as I lay in bed weeping, the Lord answered this prayer. Danny and I had just been intimate and as he was drifting to sleep I was silently weeping and beseeching the Lord... asking Him to "please let this be it! Let this be the time that leads to a new life"... weeping I prayed over my abdomen- that those spermies would make it (sorry if TMI, but I'm going to bear it all). As I sobbed, praying and drifting to sleep I was overcome with the peace of God that transcends all understanding (Phil 4:7) and this reference come into my mind...

Jeremiah 29:12..

But here is the thing, I don't have Jeremiah 29:12 memorized. I was like "wait Lord, I know Jeremiah 29:11- (the often quoted verse about God having a plan for our future)-- but I KNEW the Lord was not speaking verse 11 to me, it was 12....

I cannot explain other than I knew that God had spoken to me, and until I got up and read it I wouldn't know "what" He had spoken, but I had complete peace that it was good, and I fell asleep comforted.

The next day as I thought about the night before I eagerly ran to see what does vs 12 say? (Maybe there is like some part of Jeremiah that I don't remember reading and it just happens to be about being able to conceive and it will say "Thou will conceive this month!!??)-- Okay this thought may or may not have entered my mind-- haha, SURPRISINGLY that is not what I found ;) but what I did find was incredibly better than what I could have imagined...

"In those days when you pray, I will listen."

As I lay weeping and praying the GOD of the UNIVERSE said to me, "I am listening".

I am awed by His love.

So you would think that I would like TOTALLY cling to this truth and it would just carry me through as I continue on this journey of waiting... yet I continue to forget it so easily and find myself often lingering at the door of despair.

Which brings me to this morning.

Yesterday brought wonderful - gut wrenching news. Another friend is pregnant.

I hate that I cannot just type the words "wonderful news" and that be the end of it. I hate that it is so painful.

What makes it harder (and again, it disgusts me that this is how I feel) is that it is a friend who has been walking through "the wait" with me.

In the last 6 weeks the two friends whom have "been on this journey with me" -- one we started trying to conceive the same month, the other just a couple of months after us-- have both become pregnant.... and I want to emphasize here that I am OVERJOYED for them, it is just so hard.

I feel very alone today. Let me preface that I know I am hardly alone, I have never been more aware of how many women struggle with this until this year... it is just that out of the women closest to me... I am now alone. Both of my sisters have had children, both of my step-sisters have had children (well one is "on the way"), and now... both the women I walked through the wait with are now pregnant ... and as it is with ANY struggle-- it is easy to see where others are getting the thing you want most and you are having to wait for it, and I realize this is not necessarily reality.

So where am I at with the Lord?

I have come before Him today, confessing sin, seeking His face, opening His Word and bearing all to Him.

He wonderfully and gently reminds me of His love, His power, and His plan.

I was reminded this morning of Jeremiah 29:12-- but what did it say? I opened my Bible to reread it...

"In those days when you pray, I will listen."

What "days" is it talking about? "In those days"??...

Israel is in captivity, exiled to Babylon... a season of wondering "is God really going to fulfill His promise that a descendent of David would always rule as King in Jerusalem?"

A little excerpt in my Bible says this about Jeremiah 29:11-13: (I've bolded what stands out to me)

"In this day of modern conveniences, we quickly grow weary praying for personal or societal circumstances. But God's people have always waited on Him (Job 24:1; Psalm 38:15; Romans 8:19). Modern Christians sometimes feel hopeless and abandoned- like the Judeans in captivity- but we can trust that God's plan, while taking an achingly long time to come to pass, is certain to succeed. As one of God's prophets said, " This vision is for a future time, It describes the end, and it will be fulfilled. If it seems slow in coming, wait patiently, for it will surely take place. It will not be delayed. (Habakkuk 2:3)

I am not promised a child, but I am promised a future that is good, and full of hope. So today I am choosing to base my reality on the truth of God's Word, and not the way I feel-- please pray for me that this will be true of me tomorrow, and the next day, and the next...

Next step of faith... I am getting ready to call my OBGYN and set up my first "fertility" appointment. I am thankful for your prayers.

Hoping,

Nicole