The Wait

I am not sure what all is going to come out in this post. As I have been spending this afternoon on a "date" with the Lord, I inevitably find myself at a point where junk is being exposed and I am in a state of needing to process deeply.

So here I am, and for the first time I am going to share "on paper" where I am emotionally with this struggle of the waiting game.

As I even begin to type the dreaded word my eyes are spilling over with tears... infertility... it is worse than a curse word in my mind. It stirs more emotion than I care to express and I feel as though to speak it out loud is equivalent to saying "Voldemort" (for my HP fans).. it holds so much fear behind it and it somehow feels like speaking it will give it more power.

The Medical Dictionary defines infertility as this:

Incapable of or unsuccessful in achieving pregnancy over a considerable period of time (as a year) in spite of determined attempts by heterosexual intercourse without contraception.

So is 17 months a considerable period of time? Now I will say that I do not call myself infertile, nor do I believe I ever will. God is capable of opening the womb at any moment and scripture is OVERFLOWING with examples of this. Now whether this is His will for me... this is where I wait.

I often wonder when I hear a thought or feel a prompting as to whether it is the Lord, or if it is "just me" thinking it. I have over the last few months been praying this verse back to the Lord:

"After he has gathered his own flock, he walks ahead of them, and they follow him because they know his voice." John 10:4

"God you're Word says that your sheep know your voice.. let me know when it is you speaking to me."

So 2 months ago, as I lay in bed weeping, the Lord answered this prayer. Danny and I had just been intimate and as he was drifting to sleep I was silently weeping and beseeching the Lord... asking Him to "please let this be it! Let this be the time that leads to a new life"... weeping I prayed over my abdomen- that those spermies would make it (sorry if TMI, but I'm going to bear it all). As I sobbed, praying and drifting to sleep I was overcome with the peace of God that transcends all understanding (Phil 4:7) and this reference come into my mind...

Jeremiah 29:12..

But here is the thing, I don't have Jeremiah 29:12 memorized. I was like "wait Lord, I know Jeremiah 29:11- (the often quoted verse about God having a plan for our future)-- but I KNEW the Lord was not speaking verse 11 to me, it was 12....

I cannot explain other than I knew that God had spoken to me, and until I got up and read it I wouldn't know "what" He had spoken, but I had complete peace that it was good, and I fell asleep comforted.

The next day as I thought about the night before I eagerly ran to see what does vs 12 say? (Maybe there is like some part of Jeremiah that I don't remember reading and it just happens to be about being able to conceive and it will say "Thou will conceive this month!!??)-- Okay this thought may or may not have entered my mind-- haha, SURPRISINGLY that is not what I found ;) but what I did find was incredibly better than what I could have imagined...

"In those days when you pray, I will listen."

As I lay weeping and praying the GOD of the UNIVERSE said to me, "I am listening".

I am awed by His love.

So you would think that I would like TOTALLY cling to this truth and it would just carry me through as I continue on this journey of waiting... yet I continue to forget it so easily and find myself often lingering at the door of despair.

Which brings me to this morning.

Yesterday brought wonderful - gut wrenching news. Another friend is pregnant.

I hate that I cannot just type the words "wonderful news" and that be the end of it. I hate that it is so painful.

What makes it harder (and again, it disgusts me that this is how I feel) is that it is a friend who has been walking through "the wait" with me.

In the last 6 weeks the two friends whom have "been on this journey with me" -- one we started trying to conceive the same month, the other just a couple of months after us-- have both become pregnant.... and I want to emphasize here that I am OVERJOYED for them, it is just so hard.

I feel very alone today. Let me preface that I know I am hardly alone, I have never been more aware of how many women struggle with this until this year... it is just that out of the women closest to me... I am now alone. Both of my sisters have had children, both of my step-sisters have had children (well one is "on the way"), and now... both the women I walked through the wait with are now pregnant ... and as it is with ANY struggle-- it is easy to see where others are getting the thing you want most and you are having to wait for it, and I realize this is not necessarily reality.

So where am I at with the Lord?

I have come before Him today, confessing sin, seeking His face, opening His Word and bearing all to Him.

He wonderfully and gently reminds me of His love, His power, and His plan.

I was reminded this morning of Jeremiah 29:12-- but what did it say? I opened my Bible to reread it...

"In those days when you pray, I will listen."

What "days" is it talking about? "In those days"??...

Israel is in captivity, exiled to Babylon... a season of wondering "is God really going to fulfill His promise that a descendent of David would always rule as King in Jerusalem?"

A little excerpt in my Bible says this about Jeremiah 29:11-13: (I've bolded what stands out to me)

"In this day of modern conveniences, we quickly grow weary praying for personal or societal circumstances. But God's people have always waited on Him (Job 24:1; Psalm 38:15; Romans 8:19). Modern Christians sometimes feel hopeless and abandoned- like the Judeans in captivity- but we can trust that God's plan, while taking an achingly long time to come to pass, is certain to succeed. As one of God's prophets said, " This vision is for a future time, It describes the end, and it will be fulfilled. If it seems slow in coming, wait patiently, for it will surely take place. It will not be delayed. (Habakkuk 2:3)

I am not promised a child, but I am promised a future that is good, and full of hope. So today I am choosing to base my reality on the truth of God's Word, and not the way I feel-- please pray for me that this will be true of me tomorrow, and the next day, and the next...

Next step of faith... I am getting ready to call my OBGYN and set up my first "fertility" appointment. I am thankful for your prayers.

Hoping,

Nicole

Summer Project!

First I want to begin by praising Jesus! Thanking Him for His grace and His love that He lavishes on us. We have seen God do incredible things the last few weeks. He is CHANGING lives! He is exposing sin, setting people free, teaching them the truth of Himself, and drawing them to Himself. He is so good.

It is hard to believe that Summer Project will soon be over for us! These last few weeks have been incredible.

Danny (being the Operation's Director of project) needed to be here a few days earlier than the rest of the staff, and so we arrived on May 23rd. We spent the first night relaxing and went to Downtown Disney to eat dinner with the other project director's Kevin and Lindsey. Lindsey has been such a source of wisdom for me this summer, I am so thankful that God brought us here so that I could watch her do ministry and try to absorb all I can from what God has taught her.

(Danny, Kevin, and Lindsey- taking us out to eat at Downtown Disney our first night)

(Riding the ferry over to another area of Downtown Disney)

We were thankful for some much needed downtime this first night, after having traveled for 2.5 days to get to Florida. The next day we DOVE in, and it has been NON-STOP ever since! :)

The rest of the staff arrived a couple of days after us, and then the students arrived on May 30th. It was so wonderful getting to meet the students we had been praying for, and after anticipating the great things God was going to do in their lives we were eager for them to be here.

I would love to try and describe a typical day for you, but EVERY DAY is different! :) The first week was a lot of orientation with the students and they also were headed to Disney often- having to go through a lot of work orientation as well.

After the students were assigned their work locations (all in Magic Kingdom), they began working, and the picture of "life on project" began to unfold.

Danny and my roles look very differently: he does a lot of behind the scenes work with operations and disciples 2 staff men, while I disciple 4 student women, and co-direct our "women's times".

Our days consist of all different things like:

Monday: Bible study led by staff for students (squeeze in discipleship appointments with whoever is off work), Staff Meeting, and Staff Planning time.

Tuesday: 2 hours of "Prayer and Share" - the "share" being going out and sharing the Gospel through initiating spiritual conversations via a spiritual interest survey. (Discipleship with whoever is off work)

Wednesday: ALL students get off work for the entire day, and we spend the day doing an activity together- stepping out in faith and trusting the Lord. I would LOVE to tell you more about these days, but it would take too long here. A few examples: "Surfing the Waves of Faith" stepping out in faith- beach evangelism and surf lessons, the "International Journey"- a tour through different cultures and the availability of the Gospel in their country- this took place in the World Showcase at Epcot and was followed by initiating spiritual conversations with college interns from different countries- it was INCREDIBLE.

Thursday: 2 hour Men's and Women's Times (this is what I helped co-lead). Our theme for the Women's times was FIGHT. We asked the women to think of the things our culture tells us to fight for, and instead replace it with what God would have us to fight to believe instead. It was an acronym for the following...

Freedom

Identity in Christ

Grace

Humility

Truth (basing our reality on the Word of God)

Each week a different staff member spoke on each of these topics. I spoke on Identity in Christ... something I definitely am not proficient in, but something that God has been radically changing in my life over the past 3 years. I was thankful to get to share my experience and the truth of God's word on that subject, as I continue to find my identity in what He says is true about me, and not how I feel.

Friday: our day off!! :)

Saturday: The students are all split into different ministry teams (such as Prayer Team, Movement Launchers, World Vision, etc...) These teams give students and opportunity to serve and to learn leadership responsibilities they will be able to take back to their campuses in the fall, and hopefully step into roles of leadership there. (also squeeze in discipleship appt's)

Sunday: church together, discipleship appt's, then Staff Team Time- Kevin, Lindsey and Danny will share some content with us that is very helpful in ministry. Last week we went over how to deal with conflict using the "conflict wheel"... an area that we definitely ALL can grow in.

So that is probably more than you even wanted to know, but I want you to have even a small picture of what life has looked like for us.

As you all have (or will) read when you get our newsletter-- I got to be a part of sharing the Gospel with a Walt Disney World International College Program student from China who eagerly gave her life to Christ 2 weeks ago and it was incredible. She is 1 of 20 people who have prayed to receive Christ during this Summer Project. And by God's grace that number will continue to grow after we (the Staff) leave... and students continue to spend their summer working here and investing in the lives of the other college students working alongside them at Disney.

Now I will share with you a picture of the PRECIOUS girls I get to disciple!! From the left Ashley, Morgan, Anna, and Krystal. I adore them. Here are some of the things God has been teaching them:

* He is not waiting for them to get "better" at being a Christian before He uses them, they are perfect and completely USABLE in His sight, because of Christ.

* He doesn't love them more when they get things right, His love for them is not based on what they do.

* His POWER is made PERFECT in their weakness.

* Grace, Grace, Grace!! (I don't think we will ever fully grasp the amazingness of it!)

We had dinner together and here we are attempting to make Smores by roasting marshmallows over the stove :)

Thanks for reading. Don't hesitate to ask any questions, I'd love to share more with you!

Nicole

Napoleon

So we got a dog. We have always talked of getting a dog, and even came really close to getting one when we lived in Columbia (but found out- although not stated in our lease- that our apartment didn't allow dogs). Since we moved, and now have a house, we talked about it more and more. But everyday it was different: some days we were DEFINITELY going to get a dog, other days we COMPLETELY decided against it.

Regardless I was always looking online at puppies... because it is fun whether you're getting a dog or not. :) Danny and I are pretty similar in what we like as far as breeds go, although I like both small and big dogs- and Danny wants the biggest.

Well we had just decided the week before that we just WEREN'T going to get a dog, as we were trying to scrunch our budget yet again (trying to learn to live on as little as possible- this being a personal choice and not because we are poor missionaries- HAHA just want to make it clear that Crusade- through our supporters- provides well).

It was a moment of weakness- and talking about it for 5 years now, it was bound to happen sometime! And honestly I am not surprised that it took us for sure saying we weren't going to do it, that we actually bit the bullet and got a dog.

As you all know we have been trying for a baby for awhile now, and there are days where I am so sad that it hasn't happened yet, and days where I am like WOOHOO thank goodness we don't have that responsibility yet! After 5 years of no responsibility outside of ourselves (and not to sound too cliche) I thought we needed this. We need something to think about outside of ourselves, even if it is just a dog.

We now have to think about who will get up first in the mornings- especially since he is a puppy, one of us has to be with him at all times if he isn't kennel'ed. So who's getting up, who's taking him out to pee, again, and again, and again, what time should we leave the party to go let him out, should I call my mom and ask? Can we bring him along? Should we wet his food down so it is softer for him to chew, should we leave it? Is he having diarrhea, should I call my mom, should we spank him, or put him in a box when he pees in the house? How should we clean his pee up? Should I call my mom? Where is the towel, where is his chew toy, where is his blanket, did he pee on his blanket? Where is his bone, have you seen his tennis ball? Should I call my mom?

We are always trying to not be "that couple", but I guess this time it's okay if we get that label... because it's true.

We want a baby, and while waiting for the Lord's timing.... we got a dog. And although it pales in comaprison to what having a baby will be, for now we love our new responsibility, and addition to our family.

His name is Napoleon.

Today is the Last Day of Summer

"Don't you just love...fall? It makes me want to shop for back to school supplies. I would send you a bouquet of newly sharpened pencils if I knew your name and address." Shopgirl

I can hardly contain my excitement that tomorrow officially marks the first day of fall, thus what I have been longing for the entire month of September will actually be true. My most FAVORITE season I am so excited for you!!

Some of my favorite things about fall:

Apple Orchards,Cooking with apples AND pumpkins, Cool enough weather for jeans and a jacket - but no coat yet! Bonfires, Apple Cider on the stove, Candles that smell like cinnamon, or pumpkin, or apples (you see the trend here :) Windows open, Snuggling, Trees changing color, It's the Eve of the Christmas season, Back to school- yes secretly I love(d) school, MU football, Chief's football, Well just football season in general :) Eating Chili on Sunday afternoons while watching football, The Shryock Corn Maze, Hartsburg Pumpkin Festival, any fall festivals, ... I could go on and on :)

Tonight if you get the chance you should go outside at dusk and see the Super Harvest Moon. Apparently it only happens every 20 years. You can read about it here: https://science.nasa.gov/science-news/science-at-nasa/2010/22sep_harvestmoon/

Here's a quick update on life. We are super close to our support being finished with just over $700/month left to raise. We found out that we get to go on Fall Retreat this weekend, seeing as we are so close to being finished (not supposed to do any ministry until we are fully funded- but they gave us an okay!) and are so excited about that. Fall Retreat is a weekend where students get to "get away" from school and their campuses and spend the weekend hanging out (Missouri schools go to Turkey Hill Bible Ranch ) hearing God's Word, worshipping, playing sports and connecting with other students. We are so excited to get to be there and begin building relationships with students. It is THIS weekend, so we are pretty excited.

Danny and I are continuing to look for a church home here and are hoping that God shows us one soon. We really want to begin plugging into community here.

Danny's brother Kenny got engaged this month, and we are just so excited for he and Brenda. Brenda is my age and (WOOT) an MU grad!! so of course she already feels like family :)

Still trying for that baby! It's been about 8 months, crazy to think that if we had gotten pregnant right away we would be due soon! WHOA! Trusting in God's timing.

Please keep us in your prayers. And pray for my sister Mary, that she would find her strength in the Lord.

Thank you for your friendship!

Nic

Life is Busy

Sorry for the lack of post in July.

Let me summarize. :) Working on the house, working on support, working on the house, working on support, working on the house..... :)

In the last week of June and first week of July our support jumped from 70% to 80% in about 2 weeks. We couldn't believe it. Danny was calling it "Christmas in July"! Honestly I really believed that the rest of our support was just going to pour in over the following couple of weeks. God has other plans. It was last Thursday, going on the 3rd week of still being around the 80% mark (we had been at 82% and then lost some support) that I found myself in a heap of tears, crying to the Lord.

"Lord, but THIS is the way our support was going to come in, all these contacts in Springfield (only 1 responded to meeting with us) were supposed to want to meet us, and they were going to partner with us, and these people we are waiting on for decisions are all going to come on for BIG amounts and God THIS is the way we were going to be DONE by August!"

And the Lord gently showed me that "No, this was YOUR plan, I never promised this was the way I WOULD do it." Isaiah 55:8 says "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways", declares the Lord.

Humbled.

The Lord prompted me to come and pray. Danny and I spent the afternoon in the MSU Crusade office praying to God, asking for direction. He answered.

In May (maybe April) Danny had the thought to count how many supporters we have that are our prayer partners, but are not financial partners. It was almost 150. He thought if every one of these people did partner with us financially, at only $5 a month, that would = nearly $750 in monthly support, if they partnered at $10 a month, almost $1500! CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT? We thought and prayed about sending out an ask to these supporters, but were hesitant because most of these have stated they either do not feel led to support us, or do not have the means to. We decided that if we were to do it, we would wait until we were closer to the end of our support, maybe 80%.

Well apparently we forgot about that. We hit 80% and I never even thought of it. We sat at 80% for 3 weeks, and last Thursday while praying for direction, the Lord put it on my heart again. We set out to work that afternoon and the Spirit led the writing of an ask letter. By Monday we had mailed 138 ask letters to our prayer supporters. Last night we had our first response, someone came on for $10/month. Praise the Lord! Please keep us in your prayers.

So on the much wanted update on the house... we are basically finished with the construction, all painting is done, and now we have actually begun unpacking... wow. I am so thankful for Danny's skills. You won't even believe it when you see it. I will post pics below.

Saturday we are leaving St. Joe, I can hardly believe it. We have loved our time here and have been so blessed to spend so much time with our families, and also reconnect with old friends. Looking forward again, to another new season.

Here are some pics!

This is with wood paneling pulled off, sheet rock up, mudding and sanding done, waiting on the "Drywall Dr." to come and lay on the texture.

Texture on, paint finished! (this is also with new carpet laid and furniture in :)

I am wanting to show how the space between the living room and kitchen looked after removing the wall. Below you will see the most beautiful frame Danny built around the opening.

This is the beam that Danny (with the help of some great guys) put up after first: putting up two temporary walls on either side, tearing down the original wall (sheet rock, on one side, wood paneling on the other) re-routing 4 electical outlets in the wall, tearing down original wall, then placing TWO 16 foot beams up to hold the load.

In this picture Danny is bolting the two beams together before sheet rocking over it.

This picture is taken from the same place as the one above it. Hard to believe isn't it.

Standing in living room facing kitchen before.

Standing in living room facing kitchen after. WOW! So thankful!

The Greatness of God

Take 10 minutes and read this. It is worth it.

I am not writing today to try to sum up the greatness of God, or to try to persuade anyone to think He is good, it actually doesn’t matter what you or I think, God is good regardless. He is God. That is what I want to talk about today.

A few weeks ago I was praying and had felt conviction about how I view each day. In a nutshell I am a planner. I plan out EVERY day in my mind, what I want to accomplish; where we’ll go, what we’ll do, how long I will do each thing, how I want to feel throughout the day. This I know is ridiculous. And I was convicted that “these are not my days, they are God’s days”. At the time I think I prayed something like “God I am sorry I make everyday about myself, help me to live my days for You and do what You want me to do with them.”

Without much thought after that I continued on my way - getting my needs met my way (the flesh).

So side note- a year ago, when Danny and I were accepted to staff with Campus Crusade for Christ, I had a “meeting” over the phone, with a woman named Diane, whom, after reading my application suggested I read a book about my identity in Christ. My discipler at the time Elizabeth McKinney suggested Lifetime Guarantee by Bill Gillham. So for whatever reason (I am not sure yet) that I struggle with following through on things that I really want to follow through on, but I guess I am afraid too… I have only read the first chapter of that book… 3x mind you, but never gotten past it. I think because the 2^nd chapter begins by saying “Caution: make it your major purpose as you read this chapter to learn from the Holy Spirit what happened to you as a child.”(Gillham, 34). Whoa! Okay now moving on.

All of that to say that I was convicted about spending my days “for myself” and not “letting God live His days through me”, THEN I immediately went on and continued to get my needs met MY WAY- which I am learning IS THE FLESH. (Gillham chapter 1). So you know we read about the flesh throughout Scripture, and if you grew up in Christian circles you can probably quote those scriptures and nod your head when a preacher preaches about the flesh, but do you REALLY KNOW WHAT IT IS? Because I DIDN’T… I didn’t realize when I said that prayer a month ago, asking God to “help me live my days “for him”…” that he really would answer, and show me. God is good.

So #1 God answered through this book, Lifetime Guarantee by Bill Gillham. He is showing me what the flesh is “flesh refers to the old ways or patterns by which you have attempted to get all your needs supplied instead of seeking Christ first and trusting Him to meet your needs”… “how you have programmed your brain with earthly techniques for satisfying your needs for love and self esteem- again the greatest needs in life” (Gillham, 35).

So instead of what my usual actions are when I feel conviction- to try and “do better”--I am seeing these patterns, and habits throughout my day and (which have been built my whole life) that are my attempt to get my needs met, and instead going to God for those needs.

Here is an example. For my mom’s birthday Danny and I surprised her by scraping off the wall paper in her kitchen and painting it (a project she has been wanting to finish for awhile). When she got home and saw it- MY FLESH NEEDED TO KNOW that I had succeeded… I wanted to KNOW that it had met her every desire, that the color was perfect, and that she was going to enjoy it, because I NEEDED to fulfill that need in me for love and self esteem. My self esteem needed to be boosted and so I set out to accomplish that.. “Mom, what do you think? Is it perfect? What are you feeling right now? What was your first thought when you saw it? Do you just love it? “… Now see “questions” are a part of me (or were! Amen!), Danny can tell you that I will ask 100 questions after I do anything… because you see, my questions are my flesh pattern (one of them). They are an earthly technique I have created for getting my needs met. When they are answered, I am assured that I am “good enough”, I am “loved”, I am “appreciated”. Now I know what to confess, Lord, I confess my questions, and instead will choose to keep silent, and trust You for my self worth” Amen. And how much sweeter it is, when you don’t have to rely on the answers of other SINFUL humans in order to maintain your self esteem. I can rest in my identity in my Savior instead. But as Paul said in Philippians 3:3-4 “…for we… put no confidence in the flesh, although I myself might have confidence even in the flesh. If anyone else has a mind to put confidence in the flesh, I far more.” In no means do I claim any of this as coming from myself, or my growth, but all God’s grace as He reveals His truth to me. Praise God for His goodness, all that is good in me is Christ. I know who I am apart from Christ, I am a selfish, tantrum thrower, who thinks her world is crumbling if something doesn’t go her way. Anything different that you see in me, is HIM.

“… I far more”. Take heart my dearest’s for Christ said "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33

I will share more about how God has specifically been showing me His goodness later. I am in awe of Him.

Nicole

Tutu's

So here is a quick post with some pics of the tutu's I have been making for our 3 nieces. They are super easy and I just googled "how to make a tutu" and spent some time sifting through what I thought would be the best way and which style fit what I was wanting. Click here if you want to use the site I found: Fairy Tu-Tu!