The Natural Way?

Hey everyone I wanted to update you all, I don't have a lot of time and so it will not be as detailed as my normal entries, but here is the latest:

As you can read in my previous post, we found out in October that I am apparently not ovulating, thus I started Clomid. My last entry was written during our TWW (two week wait) of that cycle (the two weeks of waiting to find out if we're pregnant after ovulation). On November 11 we had a positive HPT (home pregnancy test)-- first one EVER-- the test line was very faint, so we were still unsure- my doctor ordered a blood test to confirm, and we found out later that day that we were both pregnant and miscarrying. It was terribly sad. The next several weeks held a lot of emotional processing for the both of us. The Lord was very near.

Prior to the miscarriage I had begun to think and wonder if there were alternative methods to helping my body do what it "should" be doing naturally on it's own, rather than forcing it (through Clomid). After the miscarriage I felt even more confirmed. People would say things to me like "This is a good thing, it shows that you can get pregnant!" But to me, all it showed was that we had sperm and eggs that worked, but not a uterus that would or could carry a pregnancy (they think my embryo never implanted into the uterus). So all the more I began to ask the Lord "if there is something I can be doing naturally, whether a change in diet or otherwise to help my body do this on its own, will you lead me to it". A few weeks later I received the book "The Infertility Cure: The Ancient Chinese Wellness Program for Getting Pregnant and Having Healthy Babies" from a dear friend. I am not going to lie, at first I took one look at it and threw it onto my bookshelf. I was skeptical. Over Christmas break I decided to take it with me and begin reading it... 1 page in and I couldn't put it down. I am not going to go into huge detail here, but what this book talked about made sense, and as Danny and I talked about it, we could not come up with one reason not to try it. I am 26 years old, I am healthy, my body should be doing this on its own, and it's not... and maybe, just maybe we can help it along. Per my OB the next step for us is seeing a fertility specialist, and the beginning of (what I consider) a grueling process of drugs, pokes, prodding, $$$, etc... Why not try this first? It is definitely cheaper, natural and we don't have to drive 3 hours to do any of it (Did I mention that there are NO fertility specialists in Springfield, MO-- you have to go to St. Louis or KC-grrrrrrreat...)

So that's what we're doing, I am taking a break from Clomid and other med's for now-- I am seeing an acupuncturist, taking herbs, changing my diet --all the while learning what it means to trust Jesus (not trust Him to give us what we want-- but just trust Him regardless), and hoping.

Keep praying for us.

God & Gyno's

 There are three things that are never satisfied—

      no, four that never say, “Enough!”: 

the grave,

 the barren womb,

the thirsty desert,

the blazing fire.

Proverbs 30:15b-16.

Do you mean to tell me, that our God saw fit to put in His Word, that barrenness is never satisfied? My God understands this ache, this longing, .....(desperate at times!!)... for something I've never tasted before. How can I crave so badly something I've never experienced? It doesn't make sense! Think about it! I did not crave Sonic's Vanilla Diet Coke with extra vanilla, before I ever tasted one!! .. but God being SO COMPASSIONATE put this verse in there, to comfort us-- (those who struggle with the 'I' word).

And some of you out there may think "Is that really comforting?... Knowing you'll never be satisfied?" .. and the truth is, I don't need some one (or something) to tell me I won't ever be satisfied with this fate, I ALREADY am well aware of that... what it does say to me, is my God understands my plight. 

So where does that leave me? 

Here are 3 things the Lord is teaching me in this season.

1. Contentedness does not mean being Desire-less. 

      

     I am realizing that many of us believe that if we have great desires for our life  it means we are not content with our current life situation. That is just simply... crap (sorry for lack of a better term). Why on earth would God say in Psalm 37:4 "Delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart."... if having desires for something were sin? Contentedness to me, means this... I find my joy in the Lord, my happiness and worth in this temporary  life are not dependent upon the fulfillment of my desire (children)... which free's me to be able to run to Him and say "Abba, Father (Daddy!) I want a baby!! ...with no worries that I am sinning in my request. (Oh and it helps to know that He wrote {see above} that a barren womb is never satisfied- He knows I want to run to Him with this request).

2. Faith is not what I thought it was.

    "If we are not careful, we will never have had faith in God at all, we will only have had faith in what He could give us. (Beth Moore,- re-quoted from a friend)

Scary isn't it. From the very beginning (of Danny and I starting to try to conceive - March 2010), I realized that I do not understand faith. I read ALL over scripture evidences of people "believing" or "having faith" and then God moving in their circumstance. So I would ask myself, "Is God's sovereignty dependent upon my level of faith"? Will I really go to heaven only to hear the words... "You were almost there! If only you had had a tad more faith, I would have given you a baby."? The answer is no. It is not via my works, my good deeds (i.e. my "good enough faith" that gets me anything)... and to think so, or to try so- is to attempt to manipulate God (to give me what I want)... rather than trusting that His plan for me is good and for His glory (Philippians 1:6, Jeremiah 29:11-12).

So the Lord said to me. "These people did not trust that I would give them what they wanted, they just had faith in Me, regardless of the outcome. Read this and tell me that isn't true...

Then Nebuchadnezzar flew into a rage and ordered that Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego be brought before him. When they were brought in, Nebuchadnezzar said to them, “Is it true, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, that you refuse to serve my gods or to worship the gold statue I have set up? I will give you one more chance to bow down and worship the statue I have made when you hear the sound of the musical instruments. But if you refuse, you will be thrown immediately into the blazing furnace. And then what god will be able to rescue you from my power?”

 Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego replied, “O Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you.  If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God whom we serve is able to save us. He will rescue us from your power, Your Majesty. But even if he doesn’t, we want to make it clear to you, Your Majesty, that we will never serve your gods or worship the gold statue you have set up.”

Daniel 3:13-18

I believe my God is good, and true... just like they did. So we say boldy "The God who we serve is able to save me, and make me able to conceive. He will give us a baby. But even if He doesn't, we will still serve, love and follow Him."

3. The Greater Reward is Him.

     So for the 2nd time in the last few weeks God has brought a friend to me, bringing the Scripture that speaks exactly what the Holy Spirit has been placing on my heart. (This thanks goes out to Annie Z whom while in India prays for me and the Holy Spirit put this on her heart to share with me... The same week that the Holy Spirit had prompted me to think about this.

Okay so here it is. God basically said to me (not verbally, but you know... to my heart)... 

"If you could chose to be given exactly what you are longing for (pregnancy) right now, and forego the blessing and treasures, secret riches that I have hidden for you in this dark time... (Isaiah 45:3 "And I will give you treasures hidden in the darkness— secret riches. I will do this so you may know that I am the Lord, the God of Israel, the one who calls you by name." ) OR continue to walk through this season knowing I have purpose and blessing in it BUT you don't get to know the outcome, which would you chose?... My love for you stays the same no matter which choice you make.

So which would I chose...? Which would you choose? Seriously.. insert the thing in which you desire most here and what would you chose? To be honest somedays I say "screw the blessing, I can't handle one more friend calling and telling me they're pregnant" and other days, I know deep down I want the latter- I want more of Him.

Which leads me to an email from my beloved friend Annie, it said this....

"I don't know whether this will be encouraging to you, really, but it's truth and it spoke to me today.  My friend shared in our morning office devotions from Exodus33:1-3 and 12-18.  God tells Moses that he will give the Israelites everything they want, the promised land, and all their enemies will be defeated, but that He will not go with them.  But Moses says, "No, God- If you're not coming, I don't want to go." (paraphrase!).  And so we were reflecting on what we would take if God offered, even if he said he wasn't going to come with us.  These are our idols.  Then, when I was praying for you after that during our 'stillness time'-- I found myself praying for you to conceive, but that if you don't conceive this month, at least give you something of himself to comfort you. And I realized that was exactly what Moses didn't want.  He didn't want the blessing, itself, but God, himself.  He didn't want the thing for which he'd been praying, he wanted to know God and God to know him.  And in the end, God agrees to go with them to the Promised Land and tells Moses, "I will do the very thing you have asked, because I am pleased with you and I know you by name".  So, I was praying that even through your attempts to get pregnant, you would value God, himself, even more than you value having a baby in your womb....easier said than done, i think."

.. and it is true. I do want the Greater Reward, to know Him and treasure Him above all. 

So thankful for all of the beloved people and prayer warriors God has blessed me with during this season. Thank you for all you do, and how you love me and carry this burden with me.

Nic

Update on the details:


Diagnosed with Endometriosis (Only Stage 1 -Praise!!)
October Progesterone Level Drawn on CD 23= 5.2 (this meant I am not ovulating)
1st round Clomid (50mg) CD's 3-7 
November Progesterone Level Drawn TODAY CD 21= 18.5 (This is GOOD indicates ovulation)- Hopeful and Praying... now we wait.


Sorry if you don't understand the lingo.

the Whole Facebook thing

So this isn't going to be long, I just wanted to give my reasons... notice they are mine, and not anything I think anyone else should be doing.

Let me preface by saying I LOVE facebook... a little too much in fact, and it is because of this "addiction"... (I mean seriously when your fingers randomly type out the word facebook in mid air when you are sitting down doing nothing, there might be a problem).

In an attempt to grow in the area of my time management this semester, there are things that will have to be sacrificed... and for me, facebook is one of them.

I am hopeful that as a result I will be forced out of my comfort zone and required to actually CALL people when I need to meet up with them (scary!) haha, or possibly write an email instead of writing on their wall... and possibly grow in areas that I am staying stagnant. Oh how I will miss stalking you.... :)

The Wait

I am not sure what all is going to come out in this post. As I have been spending this afternoon on a "date" with the Lord, I inevitably find myself at a point where junk is being exposed and I am in a state of needing to process deeply.

So here I am, and for the first time I am going to share "on paper" where I am emotionally with this struggle of the waiting game.

As I even begin to type the dreaded word my eyes are spilling over with tears... infertility... it is worse than a curse word in my mind. It stirs more emotion than I care to express and I feel as though to speak it out loud is equivalent to saying "Voldemort" (for my HP fans).. it holds so much fear behind it and it somehow feels like speaking it will give it more power.

The Medical Dictionary defines infertility as this:

Incapable of or unsuccessful in achieving pregnancy over a considerable period of time (as a year) in spite of determined attempts by heterosexual intercourse without contraception.

So is 17 months a considerable period of time? Now I will say that I do not call myself infertile, nor do I believe I ever will. God is capable of opening the womb at any moment and scripture is OVERFLOWING with examples of this. Now whether this is His will for me... this is where I wait.

I often wonder when I hear a thought or feel a prompting as to whether it is the Lord, or if it is "just me" thinking it. I have over the last few months been praying this verse back to the Lord:

"After he has gathered his own flock, he walks ahead of them, and they follow him because they know his voice." John 10:4

"God you're Word says that your sheep know your voice.. let me know when it is you speaking to me."

So 2 months ago, as I lay in bed weeping, the Lord answered this prayer. Danny and I had just been intimate and as he was drifting to sleep I was silently weeping and beseeching the Lord... asking Him to "please let this be it! Let this be the time that leads to a new life"... weeping I prayed over my abdomen- that those spermies would make it (sorry if TMI, but I'm going to bear it all). As I sobbed, praying and drifting to sleep I was overcome with the peace of God that transcends all understanding (Phil 4:7) and this reference come into my mind...

Jeremiah 29:12..

But here is the thing, I don't have Jeremiah 29:12 memorized. I was like "wait Lord, I know Jeremiah 29:11- (the often quoted verse about God having a plan for our future)-- but I KNEW the Lord was not speaking verse 11 to me, it was 12....

I cannot explain other than I knew that God had spoken to me, and until I got up and read it I wouldn't know "what" He had spoken, but I had complete peace that it was good, and I fell asleep comforted.

The next day as I thought about the night before I eagerly ran to see what does vs 12 say? (Maybe there is like some part of Jeremiah that I don't remember reading and it just happens to be about being able to conceive and it will say "Thou will conceive this month!!??)-- Okay this thought may or may not have entered my mind-- haha, SURPRISINGLY that is not what I found ;) but what I did find was incredibly better than what I could have imagined...

"In those days when you pray, I will listen."

As I lay weeping and praying the GOD of the UNIVERSE said to me, "I am listening".

I am awed by His love.

So you would think that I would like TOTALLY cling to this truth and it would just carry me through as I continue on this journey of waiting... yet I continue to forget it so easily and find myself often lingering at the door of despair.

Which brings me to this morning.

Yesterday brought wonderful - gut wrenching news. Another friend is pregnant.

I hate that I cannot just type the words "wonderful news" and that be the end of it. I hate that it is so painful.

What makes it harder (and again, it disgusts me that this is how I feel) is that it is a friend who has been walking through "the wait" with me.

In the last 6 weeks the two friends whom have "been on this journey with me" -- one we started trying to conceive the same month, the other just a couple of months after us-- have both become pregnant.... and I want to emphasize here that I am OVERJOYED for them, it is just so hard.

I feel very alone today. Let me preface that I know I am hardly alone, I have never been more aware of how many women struggle with this until this year... it is just that out of the women closest to me... I am now alone. Both of my sisters have had children, both of my step-sisters have had children (well one is "on the way"), and now... both the women I walked through the wait with are now pregnant ... and as it is with ANY struggle-- it is easy to see where others are getting the thing you want most and you are having to wait for it, and I realize this is not necessarily reality.

So where am I at with the Lord?

I have come before Him today, confessing sin, seeking His face, opening His Word and bearing all to Him.

He wonderfully and gently reminds me of His love, His power, and His plan.

I was reminded this morning of Jeremiah 29:12-- but what did it say? I opened my Bible to reread it...

"In those days when you pray, I will listen."

What "days" is it talking about? "In those days"??...

Israel is in captivity, exiled to Babylon... a season of wondering "is God really going to fulfill His promise that a descendent of David would always rule as King in Jerusalem?"

A little excerpt in my Bible says this about Jeremiah 29:11-13: (I've bolded what stands out to me)

"In this day of modern conveniences, we quickly grow weary praying for personal or societal circumstances. But God's people have always waited on Him (Job 24:1; Psalm 38:15; Romans 8:19). Modern Christians sometimes feel hopeless and abandoned- like the Judeans in captivity- but we can trust that God's plan, while taking an achingly long time to come to pass, is certain to succeed. As one of God's prophets said, " This vision is for a future time, It describes the end, and it will be fulfilled. If it seems slow in coming, wait patiently, for it will surely take place. It will not be delayed. (Habakkuk 2:3)

I am not promised a child, but I am promised a future that is good, and full of hope. So today I am choosing to base my reality on the truth of God's Word, and not the way I feel-- please pray for me that this will be true of me tomorrow, and the next day, and the next...

Next step of faith... I am getting ready to call my OBGYN and set up my first "fertility" appointment. I am thankful for your prayers.

Hoping,

Nicole

Summer Project!

First I want to begin by praising Jesus! Thanking Him for His grace and His love that He lavishes on us. We have seen God do incredible things the last few weeks. He is CHANGING lives! He is exposing sin, setting people free, teaching them the truth of Himself, and drawing them to Himself. He is so good.

It is hard to believe that Summer Project will soon be over for us! These last few weeks have been incredible.

Danny (being the Operation's Director of project) needed to be here a few days earlier than the rest of the staff, and so we arrived on May 23rd. We spent the first night relaxing and went to Downtown Disney to eat dinner with the other project director's Kevin and Lindsey. Lindsey has been such a source of wisdom for me this summer, I am so thankful that God brought us here so that I could watch her do ministry and try to absorb all I can from what God has taught her.

(Danny, Kevin, and Lindsey- taking us out to eat at Downtown Disney our first night)

(Riding the ferry over to another area of Downtown Disney)

We were thankful for some much needed downtime this first night, after having traveled for 2.5 days to get to Florida. The next day we DOVE in, and it has been NON-STOP ever since! :)

The rest of the staff arrived a couple of days after us, and then the students arrived on May 30th. It was so wonderful getting to meet the students we had been praying for, and after anticipating the great things God was going to do in their lives we were eager for them to be here.

I would love to try and describe a typical day for you, but EVERY DAY is different! :) The first week was a lot of orientation with the students and they also were headed to Disney often- having to go through a lot of work orientation as well.

After the students were assigned their work locations (all in Magic Kingdom), they began working, and the picture of "life on project" began to unfold.

Danny and my roles look very differently: he does a lot of behind the scenes work with operations and disciples 2 staff men, while I disciple 4 student women, and co-direct our "women's times".

Our days consist of all different things like:

Monday: Bible study led by staff for students (squeeze in discipleship appointments with whoever is off work), Staff Meeting, and Staff Planning time.

Tuesday: 2 hours of "Prayer and Share" - the "share" being going out and sharing the Gospel through initiating spiritual conversations via a spiritual interest survey. (Discipleship with whoever is off work)

Wednesday: ALL students get off work for the entire day, and we spend the day doing an activity together- stepping out in faith and trusting the Lord. I would LOVE to tell you more about these days, but it would take too long here. A few examples: "Surfing the Waves of Faith" stepping out in faith- beach evangelism and surf lessons, the "International Journey"- a tour through different cultures and the availability of the Gospel in their country- this took place in the World Showcase at Epcot and was followed by initiating spiritual conversations with college interns from different countries- it was INCREDIBLE.

Thursday: 2 hour Men's and Women's Times (this is what I helped co-lead). Our theme for the Women's times was FIGHT. We asked the women to think of the things our culture tells us to fight for, and instead replace it with what God would have us to fight to believe instead. It was an acronym for the following...

Freedom

Identity in Christ

Grace

Humility

Truth (basing our reality on the Word of God)

Each week a different staff member spoke on each of these topics. I spoke on Identity in Christ... something I definitely am not proficient in, but something that God has been radically changing in my life over the past 3 years. I was thankful to get to share my experience and the truth of God's word on that subject, as I continue to find my identity in what He says is true about me, and not how I feel.

Friday: our day off!! :)

Saturday: The students are all split into different ministry teams (such as Prayer Team, Movement Launchers, World Vision, etc...) These teams give students and opportunity to serve and to learn leadership responsibilities they will be able to take back to their campuses in the fall, and hopefully step into roles of leadership there. (also squeeze in discipleship appt's)

Sunday: church together, discipleship appt's, then Staff Team Time- Kevin, Lindsey and Danny will share some content with us that is very helpful in ministry. Last week we went over how to deal with conflict using the "conflict wheel"... an area that we definitely ALL can grow in.

So that is probably more than you even wanted to know, but I want you to have even a small picture of what life has looked like for us.

As you all have (or will) read when you get our newsletter-- I got to be a part of sharing the Gospel with a Walt Disney World International College Program student from China who eagerly gave her life to Christ 2 weeks ago and it was incredible. She is 1 of 20 people who have prayed to receive Christ during this Summer Project. And by God's grace that number will continue to grow after we (the Staff) leave... and students continue to spend their summer working here and investing in the lives of the other college students working alongside them at Disney.

Now I will share with you a picture of the PRECIOUS girls I get to disciple!! From the left Ashley, Morgan, Anna, and Krystal. I adore them. Here are some of the things God has been teaching them:

* He is not waiting for them to get "better" at being a Christian before He uses them, they are perfect and completely USABLE in His sight, because of Christ.

* He doesn't love them more when they get things right, His love for them is not based on what they do.

* His POWER is made PERFECT in their weakness.

* Grace, Grace, Grace!! (I don't think we will ever fully grasp the amazingness of it!)

We had dinner together and here we are attempting to make Smores by roasting marshmallows over the stove :)

Thanks for reading. Don't hesitate to ask any questions, I'd love to share more with you!

Nicole

Napoleon

So we got a dog. We have always talked of getting a dog, and even came really close to getting one when we lived in Columbia (but found out- although not stated in our lease- that our apartment didn't allow dogs). Since we moved, and now have a house, we talked about it more and more. But everyday it was different: some days we were DEFINITELY going to get a dog, other days we COMPLETELY decided against it.

Regardless I was always looking online at puppies... because it is fun whether you're getting a dog or not. :) Danny and I are pretty similar in what we like as far as breeds go, although I like both small and big dogs- and Danny wants the biggest.

Well we had just decided the week before that we just WEREN'T going to get a dog, as we were trying to scrunch our budget yet again (trying to learn to live on as little as possible- this being a personal choice and not because we are poor missionaries- HAHA just want to make it clear that Crusade- through our supporters- provides well).

It was a moment of weakness- and talking about it for 5 years now, it was bound to happen sometime! And honestly I am not surprised that it took us for sure saying we weren't going to do it, that we actually bit the bullet and got a dog.

As you all know we have been trying for a baby for awhile now, and there are days where I am so sad that it hasn't happened yet, and days where I am like WOOHOO thank goodness we don't have that responsibility yet! After 5 years of no responsibility outside of ourselves (and not to sound too cliche) I thought we needed this. We need something to think about outside of ourselves, even if it is just a dog.

We now have to think about who will get up first in the mornings- especially since he is a puppy, one of us has to be with him at all times if he isn't kennel'ed. So who's getting up, who's taking him out to pee, again, and again, and again, what time should we leave the party to go let him out, should I call my mom and ask? Can we bring him along? Should we wet his food down so it is softer for him to chew, should we leave it? Is he having diarrhea, should I call my mom, should we spank him, or put him in a box when he pees in the house? How should we clean his pee up? Should I call my mom? Where is the towel, where is his chew toy, where is his blanket, did he pee on his blanket? Where is his bone, have you seen his tennis ball? Should I call my mom?

We are always trying to not be "that couple", but I guess this time it's okay if we get that label... because it's true.

We want a baby, and while waiting for the Lord's timing.... we got a dog. And although it pales in comaprison to what having a baby will be, for now we love our new responsibility, and addition to our family.

His name is Napoleon.

Today is the Last Day of Summer

"Don't you just love...fall? It makes me want to shop for back to school supplies. I would send you a bouquet of newly sharpened pencils if I knew your name and address." Shopgirl

I can hardly contain my excitement that tomorrow officially marks the first day of fall, thus what I have been longing for the entire month of September will actually be true. My most FAVORITE season I am so excited for you!!

Some of my favorite things about fall:

Apple Orchards,Cooking with apples AND pumpkins, Cool enough weather for jeans and a jacket - but no coat yet! Bonfires, Apple Cider on the stove, Candles that smell like cinnamon, or pumpkin, or apples (you see the trend here :) Windows open, Snuggling, Trees changing color, It's the Eve of the Christmas season, Back to school- yes secretly I love(d) school, MU football, Chief's football, Well just football season in general :) Eating Chili on Sunday afternoons while watching football, The Shryock Corn Maze, Hartsburg Pumpkin Festival, any fall festivals, ... I could go on and on :)

Tonight if you get the chance you should go outside at dusk and see the Super Harvest Moon. Apparently it only happens every 20 years. You can read about it here: https://science.nasa.gov/science-news/science-at-nasa/2010/22sep_harvestmoon/

Here's a quick update on life. We are super close to our support being finished with just over $700/month left to raise. We found out that we get to go on Fall Retreat this weekend, seeing as we are so close to being finished (not supposed to do any ministry until we are fully funded- but they gave us an okay!) and are so excited about that. Fall Retreat is a weekend where students get to "get away" from school and their campuses and spend the weekend hanging out (Missouri schools go to Turkey Hill Bible Ranch ) hearing God's Word, worshipping, playing sports and connecting with other students. We are so excited to get to be there and begin building relationships with students. It is THIS weekend, so we are pretty excited.

Danny and I are continuing to look for a church home here and are hoping that God shows us one soon. We really want to begin plugging into community here.

Danny's brother Kenny got engaged this month, and we are just so excited for he and Brenda. Brenda is my age and (WOOT) an MU grad!! so of course she already feels like family :)

Still trying for that baby! It's been about 8 months, crazy to think that if we had gotten pregnant right away we would be due soon! WHOA! Trusting in God's timing.

Please keep us in your prayers. And pray for my sister Mary, that she would find her strength in the Lord.

Thank you for your friendship!

Nic